FLEX Yes We Do Have Battletoads results!

FLEX: YES WE DO HAVE BATTLETOADS
Live at Body Slam University in Davie, Florida

ETF: Welcome everyone to Fighting League EXtreme’s “Yes We Do Have Battletoads”! We’re here live at Body Slam University... and yes that is a real place... and we are finally back indoors under florescent lights!

Fans: FLOR-ES-CENT LIGHTS *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*!

ETF: I am Commissioner Eric T Figurehead, and also our ring announcer since we don’t have a budget... luckily however we have Quentin Q Quentinstein as a commentator! We got eight great matches for you tonight...

“From The Cradle to Enslave” (Demon Mix) by Cradle of Filth hits and The Lost, including their newest member Gridiron, comes out, Mekhet with a microphone.

ETF: ...What do YOU want? To talk about how your prophecy was wrong, I hope?

Mekhet: Oh, no. The Oracle of Alucard is infallible. No... see, it was I that did not tell the truth. The Oracle has forseen that I will take the title from Yagami... but not at our last show. That battle was only to sow the seeds of my inevitable victory.

ETF: Right... and how was that? By getting beat by Jin fair and square?

Mekhet: What if I allowed him to win?

ETF: Wait, what?

Mekhet: I allowed him to defeat me. I LET him dodge my Spinning Leg Lariat. But only after his precious ‘Legendary Technique of Destiny’ failed him the first time.

ETF: But if you could defeat him, why throw the match? I’m not giving you a rematch... you blew it dude.

Mekhet: Did I? I will gain my rematch, Figurehead. Sooner than you think.

With that, The Lost leave.

ETF: ...Anyways. Our first match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from A Left Turn At Alberquerque, she is the LAWLgomorph, Maxine Warner!

“White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane hits as Maxine heads out to the SHEER TERROR of the crowd

ETF: And her...its... whichever... opponent... from The Chapel, she is out to kill someone, this is BRIDE!

“Battle Without Honor Or Humanity” hits as BRIDE comes out, wearing a yellow jumpsuit and matching motorcycle helmet

Match Negative One: Maxine Warner vs BRIDE

Warner and Bride start off trading punches, Warner getting the upper hand and throwing BRIDE to the ropes with an elbow smash, followed by a scoop slam and knee drop. BRIDE reverses a suplex attempt, getting an arm drag and a knee drop of her own before applying an armbar. Maxine gets to the ropes, but BRIDE manages to keep it up with a hiptoss and a suplex, but Maxine recovers with a DDT, then a half crab. BRIDE escapes, heading to the ropes and hitting a kneelkick, going to the top rope for a flip senton but Maxine rolls away. Maxine picks up BRIDE and hits a Belly to Belly, going to the top for a “Bunny Hop” (Flying Stomp)... but BRIDE stops her! To the top rope for a Butterfly superplex! BRIDE would go for the cover, one, two, kickout. BRIDE would go to the ropes to set up the “Black Mamba Special” (Baba Neckbreaker), but Maxine countered with a drop toe hold! Picking BRIDE up... BRIAR PATCH BOMB! (Hurricane Slam) One, two, three!

3Q: THAT WAS BRUTAL! The ring nearly JUMPED from the impact.... EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES SHE’S GOING THROUGH THE CROWD... oh, she’s just heading to a snack machine. That was close. Anyways our next match is from the consequences of our last show, and we will see Fruitista in action for the very first time.

ETF: Introducing first... from West Blueberry, Massachusetts, he is the Bachelor of Arts In Thug and Thug Studies, JOHN XENA!

“The White Stuff” by Weird Al hits as Xena enters the ring, wearing what appears to be hubcap on a chain

ETF: And his opponent... from the cabbage patch... he is FRUITISTA!

“Punchi De Love Attack” by Sex Machineguns hits as Fruitista makes his way down the ramp

Match Zero: John Xena vs Fruitista

John would egg Fruitista on to lock up, but John would back off yelling “YOU CAN’T SMELL ME!”. Fruitista would try a lariat but Xena ducked it and hit a dropkick, trying and failing to follow up with an elbow drop. Fruitista CABBAGE PATCHED and picked Xena up, slamming him down twice before following up with a knee drop. Fruitista would throw him to the ropes, SPEAR! Cover, two, kickout. Fruitista would go for a suplex but John stomped Fruitista on the foot, going to the ropes for a lar... SPINEBUSTER COUNTER! FRUITISTA CABBAGE PATCHES MORE!

3Q: We might see a Cherry Bomb soon...

And sure enough, Fruitista lifts Xena up... CHERRY BOMB (Liger Bomb) One, two, KICKOUT! Fruitista picks Xena up.... ANOTHER CHERRY BOMB! No cover, though... lifts him again... XENA ELBOWS HIM IN THE STOMACH... THE LOL! (Fireman’s Carry) One, two, THREE!

3Q: WHAT A COMEBACK! HE OVERCAME ALL THE ODDS! AND THE FANS... are considering wether to buy pizza or hotdogs during intermission. ANYWAYS, our next match, the ever popular Grape Juice Jones faces off against the Rabid Elf.

ETF: Introducing first... from Soda Springs Idaho and weighing in at 33 grams of sugar, Grape Juice Jones!

“Junk Food” by Sex Machineguns hit as the fans popped!

ETF: And his opponent, from Somewhere Over the Rainbow, The Rabid Elf!

“The Trees” by Rush hits as the red-haired Elf runs to the ring.

Match One: Grape Juice Jones vs Rabid Elf

Grape Juice and Rabid Elf locked up, Jones pushing the elf down and gets a headlock, Elf getting to the ropes. Jones pulls him to the feet, irish whip, reversal, back elbow smash! The Rabid Elf would follow up with a flashing elbow, one count, Rabid Elf going for a snap suplex, another one count. Rabid Elf then pulls him to a vertical base again but Jones recouperates and hits a Euro uppercut, following up with a snapmare and a headlock. Rabid Elf recovers, shoots him off, lariat ducked, Jones hits one of his own! Pulls him up and sets up for the “Blender Special” (Full Nelson Atomic Drop -> Japan Leg Roll) but Rabid Elf elbows out of it, turns him around to set up for the “Snap Crackle Pop” (Gory Neckbreaker) but Grape Juice escapes, kick to the gut, Grape Crusher 99.... NO LOWBLOW! Senor Zebra didn’t see it! DDT by Rabid Elf, one, two, kickout. Rabid Elf goes to the top rope, goes for a flying splash but Grape Juice Jones gets the knees up! Jones gets to his feet, flying knee! Picks up Rabid Elf... Grape Crusher 99! One, two, three!

3Q: That was a great matchup. Coming up next is a match debuting some new blood in FLEX.

ETF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Downtown Parts Unknown, Some Guy In A Mask!

“Still Alive” by GLaDOS hits as the man in the generic mask hits the ring. He would turn around, point at the turnbuckle, and yell “SHADDUP STEVE!”

ETF: And his opponent, from The Olive Garden in Hell, he is Chef BoyarDOOM!

“Fami-Resu Bomber” by Sex Machineguns hits as a man in a chef outfit and white mask comes out, carrying a leek in his hand.

Match Two: Some Guy In A Mask vs Chef BoyarDOOM

Some Guy and the Chef locked up and Some Guy got an arm drag. BoyarDOOM was put in an arm lock but got pokes Some Guy in the eyes. BoyarDOOM took advantage with a pair of elbow drops, getting a headlock on Some Guy. Some Guy gets to his feet, shoots the chef off, and hits a flying tackle. He picks the chef up and slams him before heading to the top for a moonsault, but BoyarDOOM crotches him by grabbing the ropes! Some Guy ends up in a tree of woe... ELBOWS TO THE KNEE! He hit a Manhattan Drop and headed to the top rope, Some Guy getting to the top dazed... CLEAVER CHOP! (Flying Baba Chop) He then picks the Guy up and hits his “DDT with MSG” for the three count.

3Q: What a brutal DDT by the Stir Fry Chef From Hell! Coming up next is a battle between The Lost and ESPN. As some of you know, ESPN member TOUCHDOWN! was kidnapped by The Lost and transformed into a minion they call “Gridiron”. This will be the first time we see Gridiron in action since his kidnapping, and he’s teaming with Thorn and Nachtzehrer.

ETF: The following is a six-man tag team match. Introducing first, The Slugger, Super Hockey, and Super Jockey, Extreme Sports Power Nexus!

“Are You Ready For Some Football?” hits as the trio come down, Slugger with a bat, Hockey with a hockey stick, and Jockey with a horsewhip.

ETF: And their opponents... representing the Lost, accomapnied by Mekhet and WENDIGO... Gridon, Thorn, and Nachtzehrer!

“From The Cradle To Enslave (Demon Mix)” by Cradle of Filth hits as the vampire gang heads down the ramp.

Match Three: ESPN vs The Lost

Super Jockey and Thorn started out first. Jockey would try a fireman’s and go for a cover for a one count and Thorn would answer with a snapmare and a chinlock. Jockey got to his feet and elbowed out of it, heading to the ropes but getting caught with a lariat. Tag to Nachtzehrer who hit a senton and went for a two count. Jockey tagged out to Super Hockey who came in with elbows to the powerhouse and threw him to the ropes for a drop toe hold followed by a leg drop to the back of the head. Nachtzehrer gets to his feet and starts hammering Super Hockey back, knocking him down with a brain chop then hitting and elbow drop. He picked up Super Hockey to throw him for a Polish Hammer but Slugger got the blind tag and after the Hammer, nailed Nachtzehrer with the “Cleat Kick!” (Shining Black) cover but Thorn broke it. Double DDT by Thorn and Nachtzehrer, Thorn gets back on the apron so Nachtzehrer can tag out to Thorn. Thorn hits a 53 Sai and applies a half crab, but Super Hockey breaks it. Slugger went outside to get his bat and rolled into the ring... Thorn stalls him with “The Enchantment of the Loa” (Magic Spell) and tags in Gridiron! Slugger holds the bat, but hesitates, and eventually dropped the bat. Gridiron POUNDED him with a lariat, then nailed him with an Implant DDT. Super Hockey and Super Jockey came in... both of them thwarted by a double Facemask Slam! (Claw Slam) Gridiron picks up Slugger... lifts him onto one shoulder... then hits a SICK Liger Bomb! One, two, three!

3Q: Slugger found himself unable to strike his best friend, and that best friend ended up drilling him into the canvas. The Lost triumph!

ETF: This next match is cheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Her Majesty’s Secret Service, he is SECRET AGENT MANN!

“Live and Let Die” hits as Mann enters the ring by rapelling from the ceiling!

ETF: And his opponent... from the jungles of Russia by way of New York City... he is COBRA STEALTH!

“Snake Eater” by MGS3 OST hits... but nobody comes out.

ETF: Stealth? Stealth? STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALTH?!

A cardboard box shuffles it’s way to the ring... and goes up behind Secret Agent Mann.

ETF: I guess we’re going to have to count him ou-

A man pops out of the cardboard box, grabbing Secret Agent Mann from behind!

ETF: Ring the bell!

Match Four: Secret Agent Mann vs Cobra Stealth

Mann escaped and fluidly went into a drop toe hold and a camel clutch, but Stealth freed himself and grabbed the rope. Mann picked Stealth up and threw him into the ropes, leapfrogging and then hitting Stealth with a sobat! He went for a snap suplex but Stealth blocked it and delivered a judo legsweep and went for an armbar! Mann bridged and got free, but Stealth hit a kicking combination ending with a spinkick! One, two, Secret Agent Mann kicked out. Mann would kick Stealth in the gut, setting up, SHAKEN NOT STIRRED (Sunset Flip Bomb)! One, two, kickout. Mann would hit a cross-legged brainbuster and get up top... MOONRAKERSAULT! One, two, kickout again. Secret Agent Mann would get frusted and set for “Live and Let Die” (Spicy Drop) but Stealth slipped out... getting into a sleeper position... a quick pull on Mann’s neck and he goes limp! Stealth covers, one, two, three!

3Q: Woah! Neck Snap from Cobra Stealth and he managed to beat the more experienced Secret Agent Mann! Nice win there! Coming up is our first of two title matches...

ETF: Our next match is scheduled for one fall and is for the Fighting League EXtreme Triple Play championship! Introducing first... from Kyoto, Japan, is the “Lovely Flower of Japan”, GEISHA MAN! From Sicily, Italy, the legitamite businessman, Milo Falcone! And finally, from his ancient temple in China, Kung-Fu-Man-Chu! They are the International House of Pain!

“Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting” hits as the trio enters

3Q: El Toothpick conspicous by his absence, nobody has seen him since he was beaten down without IHOP even bothering to intervene...

ETF: And their opponents...

“La Bamba” by Los Lobos hits!

3Q: WAIT A SECOND! El Toothpick!

But El Toothpick was not alone! He was flanked by two luchadores, one in a brownish costume with antennae, and the other in a black mask and mariachi costume. The three of them rush the ring, and start beating on IHOP! The brown fighter manages to floor Geisha Man, then puts him in a move that resembled a Crossface, only with the opponent face-up and the lock on the back of the neck. The mariachi applied a simple jujigatame on Milo... and El Toothpick would hit the Toothchipper (Pedigree) on Kung-Fu-Man-Chu! El Toothpick got the mic.

El T: I am DONE with IHOP! I took my time off... and I recruited these two! El Hijo Del Mariachi and La Cucaracha! We are Los Ultimos Championes Honorable Asociation!

“Chuu Chuu Lovely Muni Muni Mura Mura Purin Purin Boron Nurururerorero” by Maximum The Hormone Hits, and TMG comes out.

El T: How about this... you three.. we face each other for title!

ETF: Hold on a second! I don’t think so, El Toothpick! But I’ll tell you what. You pick one of your boys. Ozzy will pick one of his boys. And Kung-Fu-Man-Chu, he’ll pick one of his boys. We have a three-way, first fall match. If a member of LUCHA or IHOP wins, they get contendership. If the TMG member wins, they get to choose their opponents instead.

The three teams confer... and eventually, Geisha Man, Sam S McCloud, and La Cucaracha enter the ring!

Match Five, Kinda: Geisha Man vs Sam S McCloud vs La Cucaracha

Geisha Man would rush La Cucaracha, hitting him with a jumping knee knocking them into the corner... and Geisha Man turns around and thrusts his backside at La Cucaracha! Sam heads over and grabs Geisha Man’s head, and does a Contra Code (Shiranui) off La Cucaracha! La Cucaracha recovers and springboards off the second rope to moonsault Sam, but Geisha Man breaks it and hits a Northern Lights Bomb! Geisha Man then climbs to the top rope, but Sam stops him, climbs up as well, and hits a SUPER 100 Mega Shock! (Vetrebreaker) One, two, three!

3Q: Wow! NICE move there by Sam S McCloud, and that means they get to name their opponents at the next show. I wonder who it’s going to be. But now, our main event... will Zeke the Luchacat be able to win his first championship? It’s a tall order but Zeke has been known to pull off big surprises in the past.

ETF: The following contest is our MAIN EVENT and is for the Grant Champion of Intense Combat title. Introducing first... from Orlando, Florida, he is the disgruntled theme park mascot... Zeke The Luchacat!

“Cat Scratch Fever” by Ted Nugent hits as the luchacat hits the ring...SWATTING a kid’s bag of popcorn down!

ETF: And his opponent... the Grand Champion of Intense Combat... The Greatest Hero... JIN! YAGAMI! JR!

“SID Icarus” by Machinae Supremacy hits Jin Yagami Jr makes his way to the ring... buying more popcorn for the kid too!

Main Event, Grand Champion Of Intense Combat Title Match: Zeke The Luchacat vs Jin Yagami Jr (c)

Jin locked up with Zeke, who went for a go behind and rolled Yagami up... and transitioned into a leg lock! Jin got to the ropes to break it. Jin went for a pair of hiptosses and went for a scoop slam but Zeke floated over, hit a Russian Legsweep, and applied a keylock!

3Q: This is unlike Zeke to use technical wrestling like this... and I think he’s a little taller too...

Jin managed to get to the ropes again and hit an elbow smash to stun Zeke, getting a snap suplex and picking him back up for another slam attempt that connects. Jin goes to attempt an STF but Zeke manages to free himself. Ducking a Jin lariat, he hits a big Enzuigiri! One, two, no!

3Q: Huh. That’s kinda like his Shining Hairball, but he didn’t step up...

Jin would block a German Suplex attempt, elbowing out of it and hitting one of his own! One, two, kickout. Zeke hit a big elbow smash and a hiptoss, and a backdrop, but Jin fought back and went for a Heroism Bomb! (Death Valley Bomb!) only a two count again. One, two, thr- NO! He went for another but Zeke elbowed Jin several times to get Jin to one knee... Octopus Hold! Jin started to fade... BUT THE FIGHTING SPIRIT THAT SHINES LIKE A BEACON KICKED IN! He fought his way out, hiptoss! Then he put Zeke in position for the “Legendary Technique of Destiny”...

But –10*C came out! And also Zeke! Only instead of his white singlet he was in heart-shaped boxers!

3Q: HOW THE?

The Zeke in the ring would backdrop out of it... AND HIS HEAD CAME OFF!

3Q: WAIT, THAT’S MEKHET!

Mekhet would pick up the fake Zeke head, tossing it to a confused Jin... SPINNING LEG LARIAT! Knocking the Zeke head into Jin’s face! Cover, one, two, three!

3Q: NO! THIS CAN’T BE! BUT HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS MATCH!

Mekhet took the mic

Mekhet: Yes, -10*C... Zeke... my Lost did indeed attack you both and steal Zeke’s extra head... but it’s a moot point now. See, by FLEX bylaws... when the bell rang, for all intents and purposes, I was the rightful challenger for Yagami’s title. Therefore, I have fufilled the Oracle’s destiny...
and I am the Grand Champion of Intense Combat!

Jin got up groggily... ANOTHER SPINNING LEG LARIAT! The Lost come back from behind and four-on-two attack the Cool Cats! ESPN come out to save, and the Lost would make a retreat... but not before Mekhet took the GCoIC title with him!

ETF: Unfortunately... he’s right. He won the title. BUT! Next event... we will have an eight-man tournament. The winner of that tournament will face off against Mekhet for the Grand Champion of Intense Combat title... in a stipulation match... the stipulation of which I will not be privvy to! The eight men will be... Jin Yagami Jr. Andy Cryst. Grape Juice Jones. –10*C. Zeke the Luchacat. Baghead McCoy. Crazy Harry. And... a mystery 8^th man. Until then folks... so long and drive home safely.