Tonight! We Dine On Turtle Soup! Results

FLEX: Tonight! We Dine On Turtle Soup!
Live at the parking lot of Keiser University at Ft. Lauderdale Florida!

The show opened with Eric T Figurehead in the ring

ETF: Welcome technical arts and medical students to Fighting League EXtreme! Tonight we’ve got a treat for you, we got six great matches and a match with Courage Takeda in it, the main event is for the Grand Champion of Intense Combat title, and what you all REALLY came for, the free hot dogs.

Students: FREE-E HOT-DOGS! *CLAP CLAP CLAPCCLAPCLAP *

ETF: I am commissioner Eric T. Figurehead, and because we can’t pay anyone better to do it I’m also the ring announcer. However, Quentin Q. Quentinstein is here for the free hot dogs, so we have some commentary! More importantly, we got wrestlers! In fact, here comes two of them now. Introducing first, from CBGB’s, she is the current Jersey All Women’s Sports Queen of the Deathmatch and the Princess of Punk, this is Robyn Rotten!

“God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols hits as Robyn enters the ring and holds her title in the air.

ETF: And her opponent, from Parties Unknown, this is CrazyTime YUKA!

“Party Party”- Shin Chan English Outro Theme hits as the multicolored masked woman makes her entrance.

Match Zero: Robyn Rotten vs CrazyTime YUKA

Robyn slaps YUKA in the face and elbows her before going for the irish whip, but YUKA reverses and hits a flying lariat and follows up with a standing moonsault for two count. Robyn would get a European uppercut and pokes YUKA’s eye, getting a body slam and working over YUKA’s leg. YUKA would counter with a Japan Roll Leg Clutch for a one count. An incensed Robyn would throw Yuka in the corner and apply a choke, getting admonised by the referee and being opened up for a Roaring Elbow. YUKA attempted the Crazy Driver (Blue Thunder), but Robyn backflipped to her feet, got an arm drag, and applied her “Sid Vicious Special” (Misawa-style facelock) finishing hold. YUKA would get to the ropes, but Robyn would give her a Manhattan drop, a drop toe hold, then applied her “STF My Way” (Cross STF) for another submission attempt, but YUKA again got to the ropes. Robyn would try for a dragon screw, but YUKA hit the enzuigiri and deliver a Crazy Driver for the three count.

3Q: What a great match, and YUKA gets a big win over the main champion of JAWS. Next up is the first official match of two new members of ESPN, Super Jockey and the returning Super Hockey, against another debuting team, Mr. B and Baghead McCoy.

ETF: The following is a tag team match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, they represent Extreme Sports Power Nexus, first from Churchill Downs please welcome Super Jockey! And his partner, from Zamboni, Alberta, Canada, this is Super Hockey!

“Back in the Saddle Again” by Aerosmith hits as the duo enters, a bit down with the kidnapping of the ESPN co-founder TOUCHDOWN

ETF: And their opponents.... introducing first, from the Supermarket, this is Baghead McCoy! And his partner, from his Helluva Fast Van, he is Mr. B!

“The Original”(Faust’s Theme) by Daisuke Ishiwatari hits as a man in brown short tights, a paper bag (with smiling face in black marker) mask and nothing else comes out, followed by what can only be described as a white Mr. T impersonator.

Match One: Super Hockey and Super Jockey of ESPN vs Baghead McCoy and Mr B

Super Jockey and Baghead McCoy started out, the smaller ESPN member (and smallest man in the ring) using his agility to get the upper hand and get a headscissors and handspring frontflip leg drop. Baghead would thumb the eye and get a snapmare followed by a chinlock, but Super Jockey would get to his feet and try a shawn capture leglock. Baghead tagged out and B stomped on Jockey and threw him into the corner. Hockey made the tag and did a springboard forearm, making B stagger. B would hit a lariat and follow up with a backbreaker, following up with a wheelbarrow facebuster and apply a camel clutch, but Jockey managed to break it. Super Hockey would hit a huge shoulder tackle and go for a pin: One, two, kickout at two. Mr. B tagged out, and Baghead McCoy hit a flying knee to Super Jockey, then hit Super Hockey with a “Bag Lunch” (Danshoku Driver), following up with a “Smiley Face” (Crossface), forcing the ESPN member to tap.

3Q: The rudo tag team picks up the win there... next up is a technico contra technico match... and if Sam S McCloud is listening, no not THAT kind of ‘Contra’.

ETF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Soda Springs Idaho and weighing in at 33 grams of sugar, this is Grape Juice Jones!

“Junk Food” by Sex Machineguns hits as Grape Juice comes out carrying a super soaker full of grape juice, spraying some of the med students with it.

3Q: I’d make a joke about that, but this is a family show. Wait, it’s not? Oh well... it looks like...

ETF: And his opponent, from the Barnum and Bailey circus by way of the local chapter of the Hell’s Angels, this is Crispy the Homicidal Clown!

“I’m just a Rock and Roll Clown” by Dr. Rockso hits as Crispy comes out with a brand new pair of baggy pants!

Match Two: Grape Juice Jones vs Crispy the Homicidal Clown

The Juicy one and Crispy traded elbows at first, Crispy throwing a right hand and throwing Jones into the ropes, a lariat being ducked and Jones hit a knee clip and followed it up with an elbow drop. Jones would head to the ropes to follow up but Crispy got up and hit a shoulder tackle. Crispy picked up Jones by the head to slam him, adding a stomp to the chest. Jones recovered and hit a kneelkick and sobat, heading to the ropes and coming back with a flying forearm for a two count. Crispy would counter with a backbreaker and a standing leg drop for a two count of his own. Jones would hit a slam of his own and go to the top for a “Juice Mixer”(450 Splash), but Crispy got the knees up. Crispy went for a “Big Top Drop” (F-5) but Jones floated over, and set up for a “Grape Crusher 99” (Ki Krusher) but it was blocked, and Crispy put him in position: Last Ride Powerbomb! He called for the “Alleyoop!” but Jones reversed the Irish whip setup... GRAPE JUICE OF WRATH! (Flapjack Cutter) One, two, three!

ETF: The following is a street fight scheduled...

Eric T. Figurehead's intro would be stopped by the music of "Trans" as none other than Jakob Furis came out from the Keiser University building to the ring, flapping his wings on the way as if he was flying... on the way, however, he crashed into one of the hot dog tables.

Students: THAT'S OUR HOT-DOGS *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLCAPCLAP*

Furis eventually got up and said he "meant to do zat to horrify the fans" and entered the ring.

3Q: What the hell? Jakob Furis is here... we were about to have a grudge match between Slugger and Mekhet... and Furis looks even more out of it than usual, I mean, he didn’t even TURN to that hot dog table, it was RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM for like fifty feet!

Furis: TREMBLE IN VEAR, FLEX, FOR JAKOB FURIS HAS AVVIVED!

Crickets chirped.

Furis: *ahem* I am here for I have learned that zere is a group of so-called vampires who call themselves "The Lost". And zat there leader, Mekhet, believes himself to be a powerful vampire. Nonsense!! I do not appreciate zis arrogance! For I am the only true monster of the wrestling vorld! You so-called "Lost" should follow ME!

Suddenly, "From The Cradle to Enslave" (Demon Mix) by Cradle of Filth played as The Lost entered the ringside area. Mekhet took a good long hard look at Furis... then smiled... then chuckled... then LAUGHED. He had a nice long laugh before taking the mic.

Mekhet: Is this someone's idea of a practical joke? Honestly, Furis, who put you up to this? Do you honestly believe that you are anything more but an insignificant SPECK compared to me? I had lived for thousands of years, I was centuries old when I witnessed Christ's execution. I am the one who has set so many atrocities of the world into motion. Tell me, Furis, what have YOU ever done that was important? You are so insignificant, Furis, that your coming... and the utter decimation that you will suffer if you continue to mock me... was not even mentioned in the Oracle of Alucard. Now get out of my ring, or you will not live to regret it.

Furis: Vhat is this Oracle of Alucard? Evil vampires like me do not listen to this popular music!! Now, you dare challenge the mighty Furis? Vell you shall soon see that doing so was a folly, for no man alive can defeat me!

As soon as Furis said that, The Slugger jumps a nearby fence to the parking lot and makes a dash to the ring with a baseball bat, sliding into the ring and CLOBBERING Furis with it, knocking him out like a light! Slugger then pointed the bat at Mekhet, who smirked and entered the ring to finally begin the grudge match.

Match Three, Street Fight: The Slugger vs Mekhet

3Q: Well here we go, folks. Slugger is the teammate of TOUCHDOWN who The Lost kidnapped at Dance Dance Grand Guitar Brawl, and we have NO IDEA where TOUCHDOWN is, if he’s okay, what they have planned for him...

Slugger swings the bat at Mekhet, who steps aside letting the bat hit the ropes and rebounding to Slugger’s face, Mekhet immediately hitting an Enzuigiri for a two count. Mekhet would get a camel clutch but Slugger would manage to free himself, hitting a forearm and throwing Mekhet into the corner, winding up and chopping him across the chest. Slugger would pick up the bat again but Thorn stopped him with “The Enchantment of the Loa” (Magic Spell) and the referee would kick The Lost out of ringside as Mekhet took advantage with a jumping elbow smash and a leglock. Slugger would break free and grab his bat again, and this time connected with Mekhet, sending Mekhet to the floor, and Slugger headed out with him, smashing Mekhet on the head with the apron. Slugger went to the overturned hot dog table, setting it upright and bringing it closer to the ring, Mekhet recovering and elbowing Slugger in the face, grabbing a kendo stick from under the ring and caning Slugger with it before bringing it over his throat. Slugger elbowed free and headbutted Mekhet, throwing Mekhet onto the table and getting up on it too, setting up for a piledriver, but Mekhet backdropped out of it sending Slugger crashing onto the floor. Mekhet rolled Slugger back into the ring and grabbed a chain from under the ring, following into the ring and wrapping the chain against Slugger’s throat.

Mekhet pulled Slugger up and tried to run him over the ropes but Slugger blocked it and and elbowed Mekhet off and set up for a Yokosuka Cutter, but Mekhet landed on his feet and hit another Enzuigiri knocking Slugger down again. Mekhet would head to the floor and set the table against the apron, however Slugger got up, smashed Mekhet over the back of the head with the bat, and rolled Mekhet back in the ring. Slugger went too, and hit a Yokosuka Cutter, following up with his finishing Baseball Slide kicking Mekhet onto the table. He went to the top rope but Thorn appeared again at ringside against the ref’s orders, using the “Enchantment of the Loa” to keep him from leaping off. The referee would go to Thorn to admonish him and doesn’t see WENDIGO and Nachtzehrer heading into the ring from the other side, WENDIGO grabbing Slugger’s leg as Mekhet got off the table, then Nachtzehrer shoved him off the top rope and THROUGH the table! The two of them unceremonously tossed Slugger back into the ring and fled, and Thorn would withdraw, the referee none the wiser!

3Q: I don’t believe it! Mekhet’s Lost managed to outwit the referee, and this looks to be over...

Sure enough, a Spinning Leg Lariat later, and a three count would end this fight. Mekhet stands up, smirks at Furis (who is STILL unconsious after the bat to the face, and is carried out of the ring by two med students) and leaves to a chorus of jeers.

3Q: What will it take to stop these evil men from wrecking havoc on FLEX? And more importantly, why did they kidnap TOUCHDOWN? Are they holding him for ransom to gain a chance at the Grand Champion of Intense Combat Title perhaps?

ETF: The following contest is a tag team attraction. Introducing first, representing Team Moon Gas 200Y, first from All Capcom Staff, the Original Gamer, Sam S McCloud! And his tag team partner, from Neo Tokyo, OTAKU!

“Chu Chu Lovely Muni Muni Mura Mura Purin Purin Boron Nurururerorero” by Maximum The Hormone hits as two-thirds of the Triple Play champions come out, Sam dressed as Izzy Sparks from Guitar Hero and OTAKU as Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon

3Q: What the...

ETF: And their opponents... from Hollywood, Florida, accompanied to the ring by their middle brother Zach, Brian and Jimmy, the Baldwin Brothers!

“Buried In The Box” by Cage hits as the trio enters, Jimmy and Brian wearing blue and white singlets with Zach wearing all-white casual clothes.

Match Four: TMG200Y vs Baldwin Brothers

Sam and Jimmy started out first, both man locking up and Jimmy stomping on the foot of Sam, getting an arm wrench and a hammerlock, transitioning to a headlock and thumbing him in the eye. The referee admonished Jimmy who was stepping on Sam’s foot to prevent a tag.

3Q: Brian is the oldest and the leader of the group, Zach is the middle brother and the brains, Jimmy is the youngest and the dirtiest fighter of the three Baldwins. Brian and Jimmy were GPW Tag Team champions for over a year until they lost to their longtime rivals Los Extremos.

Jimmy got a leglock applied and tagged in Brian, who elbow dropped Sam in the back of the head and went for the cover. One, two, kickout. Jimmy would assist Brian with a double backdrop and roll out of the ring, Brian getting another two count. Brian would then go for a sleeper hold. Sam managed to recover and throw Brian to the ropes... TIGER KNEE! He went to tag OTAKU... but Zach distracted the referee! He pointed to OTAKU who protested saying he tagged legally, Brian clapped real hard and Jimmy entered the ring, hoisting Sam in the air as Brian hit a cutter! B-3! Cover, one, two, kickout at two. Jimmy tagged Brian back in, and the two of them threw Sam into the ropes and hit a double lariat. Brian would set up for a superkick, but Sam blocked it and hit an “Instant Hell Murder” (53 Sai) and got the tag to OTAKU! OTAKU leaped on the top rope and pulled a rose out of his tuxedo pocket. He threw the rose at Brian and yelled “Just call me OTAKU Mask!” before hitting a huge flying sidekick for a two count.

Brian would be thrown to the ropes and Jimmy would get a blind tag, OTAKU hitting a sobat, followed up by the “Slashfic Special” (Syxx Factor to an Onryo Clutch), but Jimmy wouldn’t have to worry about a break, stomping on the canvas... and OTAKU ate a Superkick! Brian faked stepping into the ring and Sam put his leg through the ropes too, Brian pointing at Sam which made the ref pay attention to Sam as Brian entered the ring and put OTAKU on his shoulders, Jimmy got on the top... BALDWIN DEVICE! (Doomsday Crossbody) One, two, kickout. OTAKU recovered, wrenched Jimmy’s arm and went for a hook kick but Brian yanked at the ropes making OTAKU slip as he went to the top for “Black Magic M-66”. Jimmy would then hit the “Jimmy Crack Skull” (Coconut Crush) while Zach grabbed onto Sam’s leg and Jimmy would score a pinfall.

3Q: THOSE DAMN BALDWIN BROTHERS MANAGED TO STEAL A WIN! Coming up next is something stemming from Dance Dance Grand Guitar Brawl, El Toothpick is going to do battle with Courage Takeda.

ETF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first representing the International House of Pain, he is from Tijuana Mexico, El Toothpick!

“La Bamba” by Los Lobos hits as the seven foot luchador enters the ring

ETF: And his opponent, representing the Takeda Corporation and hailing from Tokyo Japan, this is Courage Takeda!

“Dethharmonic” by Dethklok hits as Courage is being dragged to the ring by Takeda-sama and Akira Yamazaki

Match Five: El Toothpick vs Courage Takeda

El Toothpick locks up with Courage and gets a headlock, then backed off yelling “El se mojo!”

3Q: The fuck? Did he just say “He is wet”... EWWW!!!!

El Toothpick hit a flying knee on Courage then scooped and slammed him, following up with a knee drop. He then lifted Courage to his feet and hit the Toothchipper. One, two, three.

3Q: And in record time El Toothpick puts away Courage Takeda!

El Toothpick would celebrate, but Takeda-sama entered the ring, kicked him in the midsection... HOSTILE TAKEOVER! (Blade Kick) he and Akira Yamazaki attacked El Toothpick brutally with stomps!

3Q: Wait a second, where is IHOP? Why aren’t they helping out here?

ETF: And now it’s time for the main event... for the Grand Champion of Intense Combat title! Introducing first, from Beelzulbub, Florida, he is Satanic Role Model to Kids Everywhere, Andy Cryst!

“Sympathy for the Devil/Skeleton Christ” by Tiamat/Slayer hit as the challenger entered the ring.

ETF: And his opponent, the Grand Champion of Intense Combat, from Tokyo Japan, he is the Greatest Hero, Jin Yagami Jr!

“Sid Icarus” by Machinae Supremacy hit to singal the coming of the champion... most people had left since the hot dogs were all gone, but three guys still remained!

Three guys: JIN’S-OUR-RIDE-HOME! *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*

Main Event, Grand Champion Of Intense Combat: Andy Cryst vs Jin Yagami Jr(c)

Jin and Andy locked up in the center of the ring, Andy getting a pair of hiptosses and a drop toehold, Jin recovering and getting a chop followed by a headlock takedown and chinlock. Andy would then be put in an armdrag followed by a keylock armbar, Andy bridging out and getting a back mount and a camel clutch. Jin got to the ropes and Andy pulled him up. Irish whip by Andy reversed, Jin getting a drop to hold and applying an STF, and Andy got to the ropes. Andy went for a kick to set up the “Six Six Stunner” but Jin caught it and used it for a dragon screw and a leg lock. Andy rolled out of it and hit a lariat, following up with a flying knee drop and a standing moonsault for a two count.

Jin would get a snapmare and chinlock neck, Andy getting to his feet and getting a go-behind, yelling “EVERYONE LOVES A SLINKY!” and hitting a German Suplex! He rolled over Jin back to his feet Super Delphin style, but Jin elbowed out and countered with a Blue Thunder Driver! One, two, kickout. Andy would hit the Six Six Stunner, but THE FIGHTING SPIRIT THAT SHINES LIKE A BEACON kicked in! Jin would duck a Hellfire Attack #666 and nail Andy with a lariat, and follow up with the Legendary Technique of Destiny (Lifting Sitout Pedigree) for the win!

ETF: THE GREATEST HERO RETAINS THE TITLE! WHAT A MATCH!

Andy and Jin would face each other and shake hands, then “From the Cradle to Enslave (Demon Version)” hit for the second time tonight as the leader of The Lost headed to the ring.

Mekhet: Yagami... with your defeating Mr. Cryst, I believe that would make me the rightful number one contender.

The commissioner took a microphone

ETF: Let TOUCHDOWN go and you’ll get your title match.

Mekhet: Out of the question, but how about instead... I let Slugger go...

He pointed to the lighting scaffold set up next to the second floor of the campus building, where Slugger is tied up by Nachtzehrer and WENDIGO

ETF: OKAY OKAY! Untie him and you got a deal... you’ll get him at our next show.

Mekhet: That is... acceptable.

Nachtzehrer frees Slugger, then THROWS HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW into the building!

ETF: HOLY SHIT! Overkill much?

Mekhet: Would you rather me have them let him go over the scaffold?

ETF: ...Point. Now, where is TOUCHDOWN and what have you done with him?

Mekhet: It is not time to reveal that now, Mr. Figurehead. But soon the stellar alignments will allow me to do what has been foretold... and then all shall become clear to you.

ETF: Fine. I have one more title match to book too... Baldwin Brothers, you three will face off against Team Moon Gas 200Y for the Triple Play titles! Until then folks, good night, and I hope you don’t get indigestion from eating too many overcooked hot dogs.