3Q: Well ladies and gentlemen welcome to "Who Shot Mr Potato Head", I'm Quentin Q. Quentinstein, and I'm here at this high school gymnasium, where four fans, three of them actually just girlfriends of some of the wrestlers and the other I think is a hobo who just stumbled in here by accident, are here for some high quality wrestling. Our double main event, the first ever "All My Exes Live In Texas Tornado Tag Match" between Los Comidas and the team of Super Hockey and Senor Bushido. And let me tell you something, that kind of a brutal match is why I hang my hat in Tennessee. And for the Grand Champion of Intense Combat title, El Diablo Estupido, the wrestler who teaches kids important morals like to go to school and pray to Satan, faces off against The Geisha Man. But first we have El Incompetente. He was trained in a school ran by none other than Mil Mascaras, but his check bounced so they taught him wrong on purpose. And he faces... well, we don't know. El Incompetente is in the ring waiting...
*"Sabbra Cadabra" by Black Sabbath starts playing*
3Q: ... wait a second here comes his opponent... wait... that's that idiot from the 7-11! What's his name... Spud! What's he doing here? Wait a second, he's going into the ring... don't tell me this guy's El Incompetente's opponent! This may be Incompetente's first win after a Glass Joe-esque losing streak! I mean, seriously, how is Spud going to pin someone for a count of three? He doesn't even have an IQ of three! Let's go to the action, and I say that in the loosest meaning of the word!
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El Incompetente X (8:37- Cobra Twist Pin) Spud O
3Q: No way. No freakin' way. That idiot is not only a wrestler, he's an amazing one! Spud, come over here, tell me your thoughts about this match...
Spud: ...Name's Spud.
3Q: I know that, I was asking what you think about winning your first match...
Spud: *holds up his twig* ...Got a stick.
3Q: ...Okay I guess that answers that. Anyways, who trained you?
Spud: ...Pete.
3Q: Pete? Well I'd like to meet this Pete sometime.
Spud: Can't. He's dead. Got hit by a truck.
3Q: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Spud: Not a big deal. Ate em for dinner.
3Q: Wait, what?
Spud: Well yeah, he was a squirrell. Good eating, squirrells.
3Q: So... Pete the Squirell taught you how to wrestle.
Spud: Nah, his name was Acornington. But he did teach me to wrassle.
3Q: How... nevermind I don't think I want to know. Thank you for your time you... strange, strange... person. Anyways, our next match is a battle of the ages, literally. Grampa Luchador, the oldest wrestler alive and the only person to beat Jesus Christ in a two out of three falls match, faces off against Futura Knight. Apparently he is from the year 2084, having traveled back in time to find someone named Sarah. How this search for Sarah brought him into the world of wrestling is anyone's guess, but here come the two competitors as the crowd is on their feet in excitement.... no, wait, actually they're leaving.
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Grampa Luchador X (21:49- Let's Do The Time Warp!) Futura Knight O
3Q: Futura Knight won a very well-fought bout, and wait a second, Grampa Luchador is coming this way...
GL: Shut your trap you snapper-whipper! Back in my day we didn't have any fancy-pancy people from a bleak future! Our wrestlers wore wool tights and did hour-long wristlocks, AND THATS THE WAY WE LIKED IT. Kids today don't know anything about wrestling because all they watch are them glorified stuntmen. Like that Ric Flair! Glorified stuntman! Now if you'll excuse me, I got to catch the Early Bird Special.
3Q: Well good news for him is that there's a loser fan here who buys all the wrestlers Denny's. Anyways, our next match features El Phantom against El Burro Gordo. Both men came out of the first FLEX show with a loss. Well, El Burro didn't think it was a loss, apparently, because at least he got chicken.
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El Phantom X (17:45- Standing Moonsault) El Burro Gordo O
3Q: Ouch! That can't be good for your ribs with 350 pounds of overweight luchador landing right on them. This is has turned out to be a great night for wrestling, it's a shame that there's only one person in the crowd watching. Hi Mom! And now we're going to hear from Ozzy DaBoe before he faces off against Ghetto Ninja.
*Ozzy enters the ring with a mic, with a green-painted hubcap on a chain around his neck, and holding a cardboard title belt*
OD: YO YO YO THREE-Q, Oh-zee Dabobobobizzle is hizz-ere, and I'm funky like a monkey. HULK HOGAN, I'M COMING FOR YOU, SHIGGITY SHIGGITY SHA! And these FLEX shirts are too tight! FOCK EM! MAKE EM HUMBLE! Meanwhile I'm going to face Ghetto Ninja, who is neither a Ninja nor from the Ghetto, and I know this because I asked Jeeves. Well we're going to have a match for my belt, the "Master of the Way of Destruction Openweight Eurocoretinental-X Championship Crown!" CAPTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANET!
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Ozzy DaBoe X (12:05- Low Rider High Kick-> Leglock) Ghetto Ninja O
3Q Huge upset there! We have a new MOTWODOEXCC Champion! And Ghetto Ninja is celebrating, popping and locking and... wait a second, Ozzy just rolled him up! The ref is counting, one, two, three!
Ozzy DaBoe O (School Boy) Ghetto Ninja X
3Q: NEW CHAMP! NEW CHAMP! NEW CHAMP!
*After Ozzy wins his belt back, purple and green balloons rain down from the sky, as Ozzy holds up a mic*
Ozzy: Sorry Teenage Mutant Ninja Loser, but you must have forgotten the rules of the Master of the Way of Destruction Openweight Eurocontinental-X Championship Crown... see, the belt is defended twenty-five hours a day, thirteen and a half days a week! Order your calenders today! Only 99.95 plus shipping and/or handling! CALL NOW AND GET A FREE FOAM FINGER!
*Ozzy looks around*
Ozzy: Foamfingercostsanadditionaltwentydollars ORDER NOW!
3Q: Well now the fan is pumped up, and we're going to have the first ever All My Exes Live In Texas Tornado Tag Match! Falls count anywhere, no rope breaks, and the use of double negatives are perfectly legal!
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Burrito Mask X/Taco Mask (16:04- Flash Pin) Super Hockey O/Senor Bushido
3Q: Well that was a great match, between Taco Mask hitting the Chile Con Carne (Shooting Star Press), use of the Soft Shelled Submission (Sickle Hold), and Super Hockey using the Body Check (Flying shoulder), Gretzkyleaf (Cloverhold), and the Canadian Hammer, but in the end a pinfall out of nowhere scored the win for the technicos! And now it's time for our main event for the Grand Champion of Intense Combat title, the "Lovely Flower of Japan", Geisha Man, and the champion, Diablo Estupido, who had this to say earlier on.
DE: Well ladies and gentlemen I face a man with no fear, no remorse, and no clear gender identity. But I will survive, for I have stayed in school, ate my wheaties, and prayed to the Dark Master for victory while sacrificing a Calico cat. Thats what all you little impressionable minors should do to beat up your bullies! HAIL SATAN!
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Geisha Man X (19:47- Satanic Deathlock) El Diablo Estupido O
3Q: What a match! Despite use of the Happy Ending (Crotch Claw) and a failed Obi Smash (Hip Attack), Diablo Estupido managed to fight back with the help of his Hellfire Attack #666 (Big Fire), Beelzulbub Driver II, before hitting the STO and a Satanic Deathlock for the submission win! And for a family-friendly finale, Estupido has covered the ring with a pentagram! You got to love Diablo Estupido, who is loved all over the world, especially in the Bible Belt. Well that's all the time we have for this show, stay tuned for more FLEX action! Of course, at this point nobody is watching... so now, a limerick. There once was a woman named Delores.... (cutoff)
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Exclusive interview with... some guy?
3Q: I'm Quentin Q. Quentinstein, and I'm here behind a 7-11 where I am about to meet up with one of our new members of Fighting League EXtreme... unfortunately I don't see him, but I see this guy with a mullet, maybe he's seen him... *walks up to the man* excuse me, sir, I'm looking for a wrestler...
???: Name's Spud.
3Q: Oh, sorry, um, Spud, have you seen a guy who looks like he might be a wrestler around here?
Spud: ...*holds up a twig* Got a stick.
3Q: ...That doesn't answer my question. Do you even know what wrestling is? What am I saying of course you do, you just scream 'redneck'. Where are you from, Montana?
Spud: Nah, not Montana.
3Q: Well where are you from?
Spud: ...Dunno.
3Q: How do you not... okay look, here's a map of the US, can you point out where you live?
Spud: I suppose I could... *opens the map*.. Hey, this aint the United States...
3Q: ...You're...holding it upside down... *flips it over*
Spud: Ah okay... I'm around... this bit right here... *points*
3Q: ...That IS Montana.
Spud: Really?
3Q: Yep.
Spud: Huh. Never was good at geometry.
3Q: You mean geography.
Spud: Wait, I thought geography was that game where you hit a ball in a hole with a metal... uh... stick.
3Q: That's golf.
Spud: I thought golf was when a man got on top of a woman and-
3Q: You know, nevermind, I don't have time for this. I'm looking for a wrestler and you're just...
Spud: I'm a wrestler.
3Q: You? A wrestler? You can't even SPELL "ring", much less compete in one. You know what, forget this, I'm going to grab some coffee. This has been Quentin Q. Quentinstein with... apparently, pointless filler to remind you FLEX is still around.
???: Name's Spud.
3Q: Oh, sorry, um, Spud, have you seen a guy who looks like he might be a wrestler around here?
Spud: ...*holds up a twig* Got a stick.
3Q: ...That doesn't answer my question. Do you even know what wrestling is? What am I saying of course you do, you just scream 'redneck'. Where are you from, Montana?
Spud: Nah, not Montana.
3Q: Well where are you from?
Spud: ...Dunno.
3Q: How do you not... okay look, here's a map of the US, can you point out where you live?
Spud: I suppose I could... *opens the map*.. Hey, this aint the United States...
3Q: ...You're...holding it upside down... *flips it over*
Spud: Ah okay... I'm around... this bit right here... *points*
3Q: ...That IS Montana.
Spud: Really?
3Q: Yep.
Spud: Huh. Never was good at geometry.
3Q: You mean geography.
Spud: Wait, I thought geography was that game where you hit a ball in a hole with a metal... uh... stick.
3Q: That's golf.
Spud: I thought golf was when a man got on top of a woman and-
3Q: You know, nevermind, I don't have time for this. I'm looking for a wrestler and you're just...
Spud: I'm a wrestler.
3Q: You? A wrestler? You can't even SPELL "ring", much less compete in one. You know what, forget this, I'm going to grab some coffee. This has been Quentin Q. Quentinstein with... apparently, pointless filler to remind you FLEX is still around.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Fighting League EXtreme Inaugural Event!
3Q "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Fighting League EXtreme! Today we have four exciting contests, including a match for the Grand Champion of Intense Combat Title, Diablo Estupido facing off against Grampa Luchador. I'm Quentin Q. Quentinstein, and Bob the Intern is in the back with Grampa Luchador"
BtI: "I'm here with Grampa Luchador who has some words for his oppnent toni-"
GL: "Shut your mouth you whipper-snapper! Back in my day, we didn't have any pay-per view matches, or entrance music. No, we came out from the curtains and walking FIFTEEN MILES THROUGH THE SNOW UPHILL BOTH WAYS to the ring! I'm gonna beat some sense into Diablo Estupido. He's all floppin and flying. He's a glorified stuntman. Like Ricky Steamboat!"
::Grampa Luchador walks away::
3Q: Next up, El Phantom takes on Ozzy DaBoe. El Phantom has been haunting the FLEX arena ever since he was caught in a pyro misfire. Now he lives under the ring, supposedly because he lost the lease to his apartment. Ozzy DaBoe, Mr. Sushi and Rice, is the most bizarre man in wrestling. How did he get that nickname, you ask? Well, he once wrestled an entire match while eating his dinner, then after he was done, he hit his opponent over the head with the bowl and pinned him. I asked Ozzy about El Phantom, and he said that El Phantom's power level was over nine thousand. I don't know what that means, and I don't know if even he does, but we'll see if he can use that to his advantage.
3Q: "Well Ozzy DaBoe got a great win over El Phantom with an STF, despite El Phantom putting up a good fight and using that Opera Uppercut (Step Jigoku-zuki) and we're going to have a word with Ghetto Ninja."
GN: "Yo yo yo yo yo Q-Snizzle! Ghetto Ninja is in da HOUSE-AH! I be bustin out phat shin-o-be moves on that fat sucka, Mr El Burro Gordo, and I'm gonna be riding ma Ninja Pimpmobile all over this pliz-ace! Peace and Bacon Grease, sucka!"
3Q: I have no idea what he just said, but Los Comidas are in the ring against Super Hockey and Senor Bushido!
3Q: That match was absolutely down to the wire, folks. Taco Mask and Burrito Mask seemed close to losing at times, but those dastardly tortilla-wrapped Comidas managed to hold out for the full thirty minuites. Still, you got to give credit to Super Hockey and Senor Bushido, despite the fact that they made a lot of baffling mistakes like trying to pin the illegal man. I guess when you're a former pee-wee hockey player or a kabuki-painted martial artist you tend to get confused, and can you blame them? It's hard to tell those Comidas apart. Coming up next is El Burro Gordo and Ghetto Ninja. El Burro has been preparing for this match all day long. Well, at least that's what he told me. It looked more like he was eating a giant bowl of Wolf Chili. Of course if I was Ghetto Ninja I wouldn't want to fight a flatulent luchador.
3Q: And that sneaky ninja from the mean streets of Compton managed to choke out El Burro Gordo with a Takedown Katahajime. El Burro seemed to be doing very well until he ran out of breath, and was busy eating donuts for energy. And now, a word with the man who won the opening match tonight, Ozzy DaBoe.
::Cut to Ozzy DaBoe who was wearing a green gi and his purple hair spiked out to look like Goku's::
OD: Haha! I say Ghetto Ninja's kung-fu is foolish, and he can't even shoot laser beams out of his hands! At the next show, I plan to Shiggity his Shiggity-sha, and you know why? Because I'm CAPTAAAAAAAAIN PLAAAAAAAAAAANET! Protect the enviroment, or I'll send your dirt to the land of wind and ghosts!
3Q: Uh. Huh. Well ladies and gentlemen, well I should say gentlemen... well, gentleman, because I just got word from our producers that we have only one person actually watching this at this point. Our main event, for the Grand Champion of Intense Combat Title, we've got the man who hates everyone and anything under the age of 75, the cootiest coot of them all Grampa Luchador against the Satanic Role Model For Kids Everywhere, Diablo Estupido!
3Q: And there we have it! Diablo Estupido pulls it off with the Beelzulbub Driver II! It seemed to be it when Grampa Luchador was locking in that Spinning Toe Hold, but Estupido was able to get back at him. What a great matchup. Well that's all the time we have, we have to take down the set so the local lacrosse team can practice, next show will feature even more insanity here at Fighting League EXtreme headquarters.
BtI: "I'm here with Grampa Luchador who has some words for his oppnent toni-"
GL: "Shut your mouth you whipper-snapper! Back in my day, we didn't have any pay-per view matches, or entrance music. No, we came out from the curtains and walking FIFTEEN MILES THROUGH THE SNOW UPHILL BOTH WAYS to the ring! I'm gonna beat some sense into Diablo Estupido. He's all floppin and flying. He's a glorified stuntman. Like Ricky Steamboat!"
::Grampa Luchador walks away::
3Q: Next up, El Phantom takes on Ozzy DaBoe. El Phantom has been haunting the FLEX arena ever since he was caught in a pyro misfire. Now he lives under the ring, supposedly because he lost the lease to his apartment. Ozzy DaBoe, Mr. Sushi and Rice, is the most bizarre man in wrestling. How did he get that nickname, you ask? Well, he once wrestled an entire match while eating his dinner, then after he was done, he hit his opponent over the head with the bowl and pinned him. I asked Ozzy about El Phantom, and he said that El Phantom's power level was over nine thousand. I don't know what that means, and I don't know if even he does, but we'll see if he can use that to his advantage.
3Q: "Well Ozzy DaBoe got a great win over El Phantom with an STF, despite El Phantom putting up a good fight and using that Opera Uppercut (Step Jigoku-zuki) and we're going to have a word with Ghetto Ninja."
GN: "Yo yo yo yo yo Q-Snizzle! Ghetto Ninja is in da HOUSE-AH! I be bustin out phat shin-o-be moves on that fat sucka, Mr El Burro Gordo, and I'm gonna be riding ma Ninja Pimpmobile all over this pliz-ace! Peace and Bacon Grease, sucka!"
3Q: I have no idea what he just said, but Los Comidas are in the ring against Super Hockey and Senor Bushido!
3Q: That match was absolutely down to the wire, folks. Taco Mask and Burrito Mask seemed close to losing at times, but those dastardly tortilla-wrapped Comidas managed to hold out for the full thirty minuites. Still, you got to give credit to Super Hockey and Senor Bushido, despite the fact that they made a lot of baffling mistakes like trying to pin the illegal man. I guess when you're a former pee-wee hockey player or a kabuki-painted martial artist you tend to get confused, and can you blame them? It's hard to tell those Comidas apart. Coming up next is El Burro Gordo and Ghetto Ninja. El Burro has been preparing for this match all day long. Well, at least that's what he told me. It looked more like he was eating a giant bowl of Wolf Chili. Of course if I was Ghetto Ninja I wouldn't want to fight a flatulent luchador.
3Q: And that sneaky ninja from the mean streets of Compton managed to choke out El Burro Gordo with a Takedown Katahajime. El Burro seemed to be doing very well until he ran out of breath, and was busy eating donuts for energy. And now, a word with the man who won the opening match tonight, Ozzy DaBoe.
::Cut to Ozzy DaBoe who was wearing a green gi and his purple hair spiked out to look like Goku's::
OD: Haha! I say Ghetto Ninja's kung-fu is foolish, and he can't even shoot laser beams out of his hands! At the next show, I plan to Shiggity his Shiggity-sha, and you know why? Because I'm CAPTAAAAAAAAIN PLAAAAAAAAAAANET! Protect the enviroment, or I'll send your dirt to the land of wind and ghosts!
3Q: Uh. Huh. Well ladies and gentlemen, well I should say gentlemen... well, gentleman, because I just got word from our producers that we have only one person actually watching this at this point. Our main event, for the Grand Champion of Intense Combat Title, we've got the man who hates everyone and anything under the age of 75, the cootiest coot of them all Grampa Luchador against the Satanic Role Model For Kids Everywhere, Diablo Estupido!
3Q: And there we have it! Diablo Estupido pulls it off with the Beelzulbub Driver II! It seemed to be it when Grampa Luchador was locking in that Spinning Toe Hold, but Estupido was able to get back at him. What a great matchup. Well that's all the time we have, we have to take down the set so the local lacrosse team can practice, next show will feature even more insanity here at Fighting League EXtreme headquarters.
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